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Tuesday, March 29, 2005
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breaking the habit
::jufFeNder | | 3/29/2005 11:46:00 PM |
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new habit:
helmets on, music plugged into ears up to a certain level, levelling the sound of the engine, engineering perfect entertainment on the way home, home sweet home.
still the traffic lights remind me of her...
Saturday, March 26, 2005
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aftermath
::jufFeNder | | 3/26/2005 01:51:00 AM |
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every action will lead to its very own consequence. mine eventually bit the dirt. and i'm sorry it had to be this way. really am.... i'm just too in love with u...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
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break my heart so that you can mend yours
::jufFeNder | | 3/23/2005 09:24:00 PM |
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i owe someone an explanation without a doubt. so here it goes.
for the past few months, ok let's start from 4 days before my b'day in 2003, 20th Dec 2003. i thought i had the worst day of my life on that day. a decision was made that would set a timer on a bomb that would go off everyday if no action was to be taken. ok on normal terms it would just mean that i had to let go of someone that's dear to me. and everything else just didn't seem the same after that.
i analysed where i went wrong and yes i admit that i was over-zealous over our relationship. and that's where things got a little uncomfortable. after that day i knew that i had to tone down and try to live life as per normal and just not get too emotionally involved anymore. there had been days where i wished i had someone to share the joy with, but it's like when i turned around, there's just no one there to hug and no one there to laugh with. i knew i was only missing one person. passing out parade in PA especially..... but these are the moments that i know would appear for once in my life....
tried to make up for my dismal approach to the relationship but days turn to weeks then to months and i finally celebrated a year of misery on 20th Dec last year. though i did get to meet up with her a couple of times, something just hindered me from saying the things that i wanted to say. there were times that i'd be sitting right in front of her, facing her... and it's really frustrating for words to bounce back and forth in your mind cos u can't say it out loud... come to think of it, i did say it once, but i guess it went unnoticed.... just like the seconds that went by. no one cares until they're gone...
i know it's kinda one sided from my point of view but this is what i see from my side of the story. i strongly believe that she's one unique person created by God. a whitephoenix so to speak. as days go by i realised that it's always me trying to follow my ego and try to convince her to come back to me. now i realised that i've been battling a wrong battle. everyone's free to decide they say... and i know that she's happy being where she is right now. music is the cradle to her soul.
if there's something that you need to know about me on why i am so in love with this lady is because i learnt a thing or two from my past. in one of my past entries i mentioned ameliah. if i were to meet her in person any one of these days, i'd want to thank her for making me see the power of cherishing someone and the hope of being cherished in return. she made me realise that i need to give someone my whole heart in order to know what the next step is. she used to give her heart to me, but i was still naive and non chalant to notice that until she went away. my mum would just call it 'puncuk pangkal, hati' which directly means, it all starts and end at the heart. so i learnt to give my all and maybe if things were to work out, i'd get the same amount of what i've been giving.
anyway, i gave whitephoenix my all. regrets in doing that? some yes and some no. cos i've given my all in the relationship and yes it hurts when i kinda not get the response that i actually foresee coming. but i continued waiting, praying for a single glimmer of hope that would revive my dead heart cos i so do not want to give up the fight.
mind games, words fall into quotes and italics. you name it, but i can't figure it out. and all these games and waiting time just play a part in the counting down of the bomb deteriorating the heart. maybe there's a limit to the amount of heart a person can give. and if the face that i'm thinking of at every traffic light that i stop means nothing then i don't know what else is. but i think it's time i need to give in and just let everything go. cos i also did mention that i need to set my priorities right as well.
i think this decision that i'm making is the best for both of us. she may have a choice of choosing another if there's one. and i just have to live to see that happen. the best for her is the best for me. though i may be there to help her and be there for her if she needs me, i know that i'll never be more than just a friend.
funny how whenever i come to a conclusion or decision, there'll always be a song to relate to it. this time it's by an indonesian band called sheila on 7. for those who understands the indonesian lingo then it'll be easier to digest. i shall not attempt to translate it.
berhenti berharap
aku tak percaya lagi
dengan apa yang kau beri
aku terdampar di sini
tersudut menunggu mati
aku tak percaya lagi
akan guna matahari
yang dulu mampu terangi
sudut gelap hati ini
aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta kudapat
kenapa ada derita
bila bahagia tercipta
kenapa ada sang hitam
bila putih menyenangkan
aku pulang...
tanpa dendam
kuterima... kekalahanku
aku pulang...
tanpa dendam
kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu
kau ajarkan aku bahagia
kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia
kau berikan aku derita
-jufF-
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
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time just killed me
::jufFeNder | | 3/22/2005 11:45:00 PM |
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better type something before i head to dreamland. i... i...... hmmmmm... i...... have given up on hopes of us getting back together.
warmest regards....
jufF
*song for the moment..... berhenti berharap - sheila on 7
Sunday, March 20, 2005
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beautiful....
::jufFeNder | | 3/20/2005 11:24:00 AM |
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I took this off a friendster bulletin. i found it to be meaningful and yeah ought to share it.
The mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of the beautiful. --Aristotle (384-322 BC) Metaphysica
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. --Helen Keller
Death would be a beautiful place if it looks like Brad Pitt --Carmen Electra
Long tresses down to the floor can be beautiful, if you have that, but learn to love what you have. --Anita Baker
One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh
It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them. --George Elliot
From now on I hope always to stay alert, to educate myself the best I can. But lacking this, in the future I will relaxedly turn back to my secret mind and see what it has observed when I thought I was sitting this one out. We never sit anything out. We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out. --Ray Bradbury
Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love. --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)
No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through tears. --Unknown
Nothing can happen more beautiful than death. --Walt Whitman
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are not powerless specks of dust drifting around in the wind, blown by random destiny. We are, each of us, like beautiful snowflakes - unique, and born for a specific reason and purpose. --Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Be beautiful. Be a man. Do what no one can. --Art Garfunkel
I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may, - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful --John Constable
Things are pretty, graceful, rich, elegant, handsome, but, until they speak to the imagination, not yet beautiful. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
We can be beautiful at all ages. Feminine beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, ways. --Lauren Hutton
The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. --Elizabeth Foley
Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread. Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique. --Anonymous
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward. --Spanish Proverb
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. --Albert Einstein
I have deep faith that the principle of the universe will be beautiful and simple. --Albert Einstein
The ideals that have lighted my way and time after time have give me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth. --Albert Einstein
Joy in looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift. --Albert Einstein (03/14/1879-1955)
Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men's souls, and a beautiful image it is. --Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
anyway, yesterday was my mum's 49th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!! wish you all the goodness in life, long age and yeah rock on mum! had a simple b'day celebration. instead of having cakes and such, we had pizza and chicken and stuffs. yeah pretty filling i should say.
and last night i thought i had the greatest dream since ages. i dreamt of someone. and yeah it seems so real that when i drifted out of sleep, i immediately wanted to go back to sleep and thank god i did. the dream just went on and off, on and off, and when i went back to sleep, it'll either repeat part of the dream or continue from the point i woke up. great. i woke up with a smile on my face, feeling better than usual and yeah i'm still smiling. but dreams will always remain as dreams right. hmmmm how i wish it was real and i could just turn back time and relive my sec sch days. that would be awesome. i'd correct the things i'd done wrong and make sure everything turns out well. regrets in life not meant to be reversed... i just hope she'd invite me to her wedding one day.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
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underground shimmies
::jufFeNder | | 3/16/2005 10:00:00 PM |
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ok before i start off the entry, just an amendment to the previous one. i sang 8 songs instead of 7. yeah the missing song was The Brilliant Dance which was right after Grey Sky Morning. yeah that settled it.
alrighty, i managed to meet up with a couple of my squadmates today as i managed to go to their domains in Traffic Police and the Special Operations Command. met Joel in the morning as i had to attend this release of traffic stats in the TP headquarters. and yes Joel, u have the most stressful seat that i've ever come across. imagine sitting right next to your boss. no holds barred. no walls, no intersections and once u turn ur head, there she'd be. man, at least i'm sitting beside my boss but i'm so lucky to have an intersection that separates us from seeing each other face to face every minute i'm in the office. but yeah u're doin fine brudda.
headed back to the office after that. didn't have time to upload my photos cos by the time i sat down and began to warm my seat, the phone rang. and yeah, i had to entertain a few pple seeking requests. next thing i knew it was already lunch man! but i didn't go out for lunch cos i was just too tired and yeah thought i'd catch some shut eye. but that was not possible either, so i headed down to the cafeteria for some apple aloe vera and carrot plus orange juice. yeah tt's a mouthful. but i just needed a break.
afternoon headed down to SOC. grabbed some photographs there and met up with chia wei and hiskandar. haah they're doin fine too i guess despite the workload. but yeah everyone has their own loads to settle yeah. but yeah SOC's very old skool. time u guys moved to a better place.
ok i forgot to mention this but i received my staff appraisal report last week or so. yeah it's where your boss analyses your performance and give you the critic. macam american idol like that. but hell, i just thought that i wasn't performing to my expectations as yet. maybe i needed to lead more. cos in my vocation, there's like little room for leadership roles. u are ur own leader so to speak. i decide whether i wanna do the job well or not and there's not many for me to cast my leadership shadow on. i wish i had graduated from OCS instead. haah. but yeah tt's not possible i know. anyway, my boss's critics are fair and yeah i shall not disclose what grade i got. cos i dun think it's right to do that. but yeah they can grade me whatever they want cos in the end it's what i've learnt during my stint in the department that matters. and yes, i've learnt a lot. well, being a senior officer does have its pros and cons. in the army, u'll take on ur men. but in the police, you are your men. most of the time i am my one man army. and my battalion lies in my belief to excel.
anyway, i've said whatever i had to say. it's startin to turn out into a week of grievances though. got back to work on monday and learnt that Queenie's dad passed away on Sunday. stay strong Queenie. life's like that. time waits for no man and when the time comes for one to go, don't reminisce on how he died, but reminisce on how he had lived and played such an important role in your life.
tuesday, learnt that i was not able to spend my pay on a new bike, cos i had to help out my bro. all my hard work and i had to settle your problem when u're supposed to be someone i had to look up to. looks like u've been looking up to me more like it. shan't dwell on that, cos i think i've gotten used to it.
so yeah, life's unpredictable. but as brandon boyd sings it out.... whatever tomorrow brings, i'll be there, with open arms and open eyes yeah.....
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
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30 mins gig.
::jufFeNder | | 3/15/2005 09:15:00 PM |
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talking abt screw ups.... i'm the biggest in the business. such a professional at it too. ok was referring to the performance yesterday. i dunno but i prefer my semi acoustic unplugged like literally. i prefer the sound of it when i dun hear it comin from the microphone!~ i just like it acoustic, acoustic as it is. cos when it's plugged in.... man... all my half step down tunings sound like 1 step down tunings. and yes the rest was a disaster. had a tinggling feeling i'd screw this up. but managed to play 7 songs though.
here's my list of personal comments on the song in playing order....
1. when you say nothing at all - still ok. managed to pull it off though i noticed it sounded flat.
2. wherever you will go - quite ok...
3. hotel california - it sounded damn funny doin it a half step down and yeah u can guess the rest.
4. grey sky morning - i think this was the best for the night.
5. qing fei de yi - i can't believe i forgot the lyrics to this one! stuck along the way. but manage to complete.
6. apart - yes my own composition. i thought it'd been a long time since i played the song but it sounds good anyway.
7. mungkin nanti - yes i finally ended with a malay/indonesian song wic was quite ok if i hadn't forgotten part of the lyrics.
but thanks to my bosses who were there as well to give support. my bosses at my 30 mins gig. how amazing. sorry i screwed it up a little though. but still i hope i met your expectations.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
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performance day.... die...
::jufFeNder | | 3/13/2005 10:56:00 PM |
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i need to sleep or at least turn in early.... but i can't seem to shut my eyes!
cos i'm not prepared to face tml i guess... staff meeting for tml. yes i know... boring... but what to do? and yeah i've got a performance for tml as well. gotta let my guitar rip for the commissioner and other pple attending the event. no lah. i'm not gonna blast them, but yeah i gotta entertain them with my 'soothing' voice and tunes... in other words... do bring along ur ear plugs as u enter the event. u're gonna need it. shit......
i'll update u guys on that... cheerrrrs!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
alright... haven typed in a while. got busy with CP's bulletin and the upcomin PLM issue as well. anyway, enough of work... and i can't think of anything to type about. i think i'm into boredom week, after hell week that is. oh well my bro's havin a concert this saturday. but this saturday i've got to go back to work for a course from 9 to 6 they say. and not to mention i have my music lesson from 6 to 7 and jamming from 7 to 9. hmm how to go man.... why saturday.... gotta see what i can do....
anyway.... i'm just tired, lethargic and bored...
Sunday, March 06, 2005
okie so this was today.... went jamming with the guys. but before that we actually headed for a photoshoot or so called candid fun shots.... had some group photos and yeah we had fun as well...
and i went airborn today... just havin some fun in a remote and secluded spot we have here in yishun...
hey ho.... my guitar jammin buddies... jay on the left and jan on the right... aka... revenge of the pegions
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
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reminiscing a day
::jufFeNder | | 3/02/2005 09:54:00 PM |
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i was on leave today. a little bit tired after the long hours in the office. i'm only human you know. so yeah, it was time i took a break.
alrighty, so i had lunch with my parents today. amazing right? when was the last time we had lunch together? ages ago man. but there i was, sitting with my dad on my left and my mum on my right eating a home cooked meal together. though words were few and far between, i just enjoyed the silent lunch we had.
anyway, let's just go thru wat's been happening and wat's gonna happen this week. well, i spent the last few days comin home late cos there were delegates who visited the force and were down for a media symposium. had to do my part as a photographer as usual and i had fun actually talking and mixing a round with the foreigners. learnt a lot bout the culture and share the stories back home as well.
then this guy from thailand told me that i looked like Will Smith. hey hey hey.... hello mr Juffry Smith... hahaha... well it's a compliment but yeah Will is different than i am as a person i believe. but he's still one of my favourite dudes to watch on screen. cool dude being associated with me... how nice....
then tomorrow, the singapore idol will be comin to the headquarters as part of our societal responsibility program we had lined up for the children from Singapore School for the Deaf. yeah so my colleagues and i learnt how to sing the song I Dream by the idol in sign language. dun laugh now but it's very cool to do sign language. imagine breaking the sound barrier and just communicate via actions. well actions speak more than words and these special kids make it look so easy the last time we visited them. hope they'll enjoy this visit too.
alrighty, since i was on leave today, i started off the day with MTV. switched it on and yeah 3 doors down were performin their new song. well it's playin right now if u're listening to it. Let Me Go. hmmm it's pretty much what i'm wanting to say right now.
"you love me but you don't know who i am.... i'm torn between this life i lead and where i stand...."
where do i stand? i seriously do not know. but i guess the song is really one that'll stick by me for a while. it's pretty difficult to be in love with someone when you do not know how she feels about you. so it's pretty much of a one sided story. and she might be in love with me but she don't know the real person i am. but as far as letting her go to let me go is concern, i'm not the one who leaves without a fight. though i realise that it's only best for us to be apart right now, it's really hard letting go. but why indulge yourself in a relationship when you dun have a heart for it? but being the rebellious me, i rebel against the power of letting go, cos i dun wanna let go. forgive me but until i know for sure that i'm the one who will lose in the end then i won't let go. feels like i'm in the show Bachelorette. but yeah, those reality tv will teach you a thing or two.
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